Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Everyone says I win the strip club
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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