I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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