dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just found a bag of teeth...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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