I can text with my tongue
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
