sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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