I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
