I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just cropdusted the office
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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