Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
