Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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