I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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