I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
