Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
