on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize