Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
