you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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