My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
