All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
