I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
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It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
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My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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