I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
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Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
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Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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