you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
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I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
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You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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