I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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