Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
