Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
