last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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