I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Of course I have a pirate flag
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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