Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
only you would photoshop your dick
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
