Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
It's shark week go big or go home
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
