Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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