i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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