i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
