Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
