The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
