i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
