Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
