This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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