What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
