My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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