if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
