Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
