You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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