i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
