my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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