Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
