There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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