hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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