I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
