he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
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I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
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When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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