she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
