fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
