Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
