Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
They have beer where we have blood.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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