I am in a vortex of obligation.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
