We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
