So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
