So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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